The Secret to Hub Traffic
67
By Wes J. Pimentel
After being on Hub Pages for about two weeks now, I am an expert. Well, at least that's what my profile says.
During my long and rewarding career with HP, there has always loomed overhead, a mocking ambition. An intangible goal. That one thing that can make all the difference in one's day. I'm speaking...of traffic. Yes! Traffic! I love it. Simply typing the word intoxicates me. I love all the commotion and the comments and the praise and the discussions and the insults... I could go on.
After you've been bitten by this delicious little bug, you begin to need its sting like a heroin addict. You ponder what you could possibly write to draw everyone in. You end up reading hubs, like this one, that promise the secret of driving more and more people into your web. The need for traffic and the engineering of methods to generate it begin to take up more and more of your mind. You begin to wonder if from even the most mundane tasks you could render a great hub like, "I just made my daughter a bottle... I wonder if people would want to read about that..."
Part of the addiction manifests as the compulsion to obsessively check your account for signs of activity. Those little red triangles are like mini-orgasms. Little passion-red peaks, each testifying to your literary brilliance. Conversely, the blue ones are like mocking schoolchildren; so tiny, so infuriating, but insulated against any feeble attack from you.
It was during my last account-check that I came across the holy grail of Hub Pages traffic generation. There were many little blue triangles occupying my stats chart. Like a general looking over the battlefield at all the insurgents bent on my defeat, I surveyed the carnage for any signs of hope. One shining glimmer remained. Just there... so delicately triumphant. My only hope took the form of a hub I wrote long ago, before I ever even knew about Hub Pages. Ironic that it would be this particular piece, as its subject has caused me so much suffering over the years. It was The Vagina Diatribe; with its ridiculous amount of traffic. The Vagina Diatribe.
I wondered what it was about this particular piece that made it so alluring, so attractive to the passive reader. The answer was so painfully obvious I had to laugh. It was not my impressive wielding of our language. It was not my literary prowess. Although I would have loved to take the credit, I knew the answer was far more simple. Vagina. It has the word "vagina" in the title.
Upon realizing it I had one of those movie-villain-laugh-cries. The one where my body slumps over and you think I'm crying until I raise my tear-drenched face in laughter. It was then that I made my solemn vow. Henceforth, nary a single literary work would leave these hands without the word "vagina" in the title. The title of every one of my future hubs will bare the mark.
Crazy, you say? It can't be done, you say? We'll see, hubbers! I will have my revenge on your little blue bastards before long. Then, they'll know. EVERYONE will know! The genius of the Schwag will be touted from every mountain top! HAHAHAHhahahahahah......
OK. I got a little weird there, at the end. My bad, yo. Seriously, though. If you're worried about traffic to your hub, just put "vagina" in the title. It worked for me!
CommentsLoading...
I see that the bug has eaten into your system, no turning back now! Bwahahaha
Anyways, glad you decoded the message that those shifty triangles hide. Of course, no hubber in their right mind would volunteer to let you in on the secret - it's traffic so I hope you understand! LOL
Nice read :D
Had a good laugh out of this one! :-) Besides "vagina" I think one could try "sex", "sexy", "lingerie", "hot babes", and see how that went! I wonder which of those would drag more traffic in, I'm betting it'd be a close call! Laugh!
Uh, I just notice I'm not a fan. How come? I've read all your hubs! Going to fix that sad oversight on my part right away!
GT - Thanks for the comment. Hopefully treatment is still an option at this point. Maybe they can wean me off with crack or heroin.
Cris A - You're an evil bastard and I hereby dub you my arch-nemesis.
Elena - Thank you for the commnts and the compliment. You are more than welcome in my fan club. Vagina.
Vaginaaaaaa --- that's the echo, Schwag!
Ahhh, the sweet sound of a woman...
Hi Schwag, I can't believe this. I am new (however old to you) to hubpages. but its unbelievable.
I was hoping there would be some tips like add photos use videos and bla-bla-bla. But here i got something else.
ameliehub - I guess I fooled you. I'm sorry, but I just wanted to fish a bunch of people into reading this article and just get a laugh out of it. What is it that you don't believe?
Superb writing. Very good advice. Choosing a good title is so important to generating traffic.
Thank you, sir. I enjoy your writing, as well.
I think I just did you a favor then - it's better the devil you know! :D
OK, Cris A. It's on, then. I think I got on this hero/villain trip after I saw "Watchmen" the other night.
LOL which reminds me, i have to see it. i heard it's good if not quite long. what do you think (without giving a spoiler)?
I think I'm going to write a review of it. It is awesome. The only thing I will tell you is that it's 2hrs 45min long and I could have watched it for another hour.
So it is long! Which is a good thing for me as I want good movies to go the extra mile (or hour in this case). Thanks, I'll take your word for it. Besides I can always get back at you if this is some sick joke (by way of flagging of course! LOL) Thanks :D
Schwag.. Enjoyed your hub! Mine has that blue triangles ever so often but now I know how to view them-like a general at insurgents..lol!:)
Oh St. Schwag. I do enjoy sarcasm such as mine... the only thing more effective than YOU putting Vagina in all your hub titles would be ME putting Vagina into all of mine! Got you there, didn't I???
Nice hub, and you're right about the addictive nature of it all. I prefer to call it CrackPages. Thanks for the read.
Cris A - Yes, please see it and let me know what you thought.
Laila - My pleasure, and please feel free to borrow my visualizations, anytime.
Amy G - Your ploy will work, as long as I don't replace my profile picture with that of a bikini model. Take that! (BTW - It sounds funny when you say "putting vagina into all of mine," - it's like putting your heart into it, with a twist).
Hawkesdream -Thanks for the comment and the compliment. I think that would work nicely. Or you could do "FREE from SEX addiction". That would be cool. I think you meant Bloody good laugh. A bloody God laugh is something different, altogether. Morbidly divine.
Hey Wes, I'm sorry to inform you that you have just missed out on seeing your medal for 1K views! So would I be right in saying that your account is peppered with little orgasms as I wirte this? Anyway, congratulations! :D
How funny!!! Congratulations and the word "vagina" must not be forgotten!!Lol:)
Cris A - Not sure what you mean by "missed," nor what you mean by a medal? What did I miss? What medal? Did someone receive it for me, like a stand-in actor receiving an Oscar for someone else? Thanks for the congrats. Yes, I've been viewed over 1,000 times. PEEPING TOMS!
AEvans - Thanks, homey. Did I trick you as well? Vagina.
I believe you certainly did!!!Lol:)
Awww. Don't feel bad. We all want more traffic.
mmmm.. Check out "Naughty in the bedroom it is certainly getting traffic from outside sources...:) Just thought I would share. :)
OOoohhh. I can see why that title would garner some activity. I will go right now. (Please don't tell my wife I'm running to your bedroom). Oops! Hi, honey...
Spoken like a true Hub Junkie!! Welcome to my world! I am obsessed!! I get soo excited when my traffic is increasing, and get mad, and wonder what I did wrong when it goes back down again. I keep updating, changing things around, just hoping that there is some magical combination of capsules that will drive my traffic through the roof!!
My masturbation Hub was brutally cut short but was on its way to bigger and better things!
Boobs, ass, vagina, sex, hot women, college co-eds, blah, blah....It is all in the title...
Yes, it definately met a rather premature end. So sad, I had hoped it would last longer. How often I am disappointed...
AMB - Thanks for the comments. THe commentary on this hub has felt like an AA meeting from the beginning. Hi, I'm Schwag and I'm a hubaholic...
Pest - I was wondering if you intended on editing and re-releasing your masturbation once again (disgusting pun intended).
Oh Schwag~ Are you implying that i have a bikini model on my profile??? That's me, YO! I'm proud of that chit, too! Do you recognize that bay? You better be able to name that bay.
And ya, now that you mention it - I could have worded that whole vagina thing a little differently...
Okay. The pic on my profile is really pest. He asked me not to reveal, but I feel you're on to me...sorry pest, I'm a terrible friend.
Amy G - OK, first, I made that comment before you changed your profile picture to the one of you in your swimming attire. I simply meant that if you're going to play the "I'm a girl, so when I say 'vagina' it's better than Schwag saying it" card, I might counter with the old "I'm a guy, but on the internet I'm a sexy little vixen" card. That's all. Now, about your new pic - you are obviously an attractive woman, but this pic is not sexy in any way. What is that? Islamic porn? I can barely see your shoulders! And your kid is in the picture, c'mon! About the bay - is it in Hawaii? If so, I'm not familiar. I've only been here a couple of months. Holla!
lmao!! now i have to change it again! Guess that one went right over my head, eh? Islamic porn? lol! It wasn't meant to be sexy anyway, pumpkin. And yes, it's Oahu. Hamauna Bay. I'm gonna go change my pic now that you've riddled it with thoughts it didn't want to carry! ... dammit. Guess we have to go back to children of the corn.
I hate those little blue triangles too! They are annoying!
By the way, Beautiful child!
There, smartass. I replaced it with my "I wonder if I could do Islamic Porn" expression.
And I agree with Tom - wicked cute kid.
Tom - You are the first hubber to comment on my little girl's picture, thank you. That's the other high-traffic secret; you gotta have a hot chick on the picture. Screw blue triangles!!
Amy G - Duh, dork. I know it wasn't meant to be sexy. That was my whole point. Don't worry, ain't nobody thinking about you, dang. I got a man! I mean... wife. Sorry, I got a little too "urban" female there.
Amy G - I just lookeed at the picture you put up. HA HA. I friggin laughed out loud. That shit is funny. Now, every time I look at that picture I'm going to be hearing middle-eastern music and picturing you flashing your wrists and ankles. Woo Woo!
Hey Schwag, check out The Girls and Aunties Holy hub. That is some weird shit!
OK, I will. I'm writing right now, though, so not til later. I'm working on my next hub. Wanna know what it's about? NEVER!!!
I don't get it. Are they trying to do some sort of mail order or date thing?
I'm going to sleep. Good luck writing! :)
Paint porn?
Here's what you said:
"this pic is not sexy in any way. What is that? Islamic porn?"
Here's what I said:
"Uh, ya genius...it wasn't supposed to be." Don't worry, nobody's lookin at you either! I'm signing off, comment twister - it's just too late on the mainland for this confusion!
Yes. I'm writing about paint porn. Whatever the hell that is.
Amy G - I like you. Let's be friends. I take it back. I like your shoulders. and your kid, and your corn. See? This is why I have no friends.
Once in a while HP "honors" achievements (is 10th hub, 100 fans, 1000 views etc) with medals that run through Hubtivity along with the comments, posts, fanning etc. :D
AAAaaaahhhhh. OK, I got it. I just published the Watchmen review. Check it out!
dude your wierd.
Schwag~ Fine, we can be friends. Frustrating little shit.
raiderfan~ Ya, he's weird. But that's why we like him.
What a secret :D
Working on it right way :P
raiderfan - Thanks for the comment. You sound like another hubber who got tricked by my title. Sorry, figure out your own methods for traffic generating.
Amy G - Frustrating little shit...Hmmm, where have I heard that before? Ah, yes. That's what my mom calls me. And my wife. And my older brother. And that guy at the store...
Abhishek87 - Yes, let me know how it goes for you.
This is really fun, better than comedians ,think I'll visit your sites loads.
Oh and I did mean,'bloody good laugh' lol
Hawkesdream - Thanks. Please do stay and explore. I have a lot of content that is reportedly a riot. BTW - what did you mean by "comedians"? Did you just mean comedians in general, or is there a section on HP that is for comedians?
Welcome to Hubpages Schwag. I Love your writing style and can't wait to read more!
Darlene Marie - Thanks for the welcome and the compliment. I'll be checking out your work.
Schwag - Hilarious Hub! I have found it funny that the hubs I write for a personal giggle often get the most traffic as opposed to hubs I write when trying to be serious.
AshleyVictoria - Thanks for the comment and the compliment. I hear you about the unexpected traffic. It's crazy what will drive up traffic. Interestingly enough, this piece here is doing quite well. I guess that "traffic," like "vagina" is a hot topic for hubbers.
Well Schwag, this hub is a hubnugget nominee! So vagina does it again! LOL Do click on this link to vote and ask all your vagina friends to come and vote for you too. http://hubpages.com/hub/Hubber-Poll-March19-2009-B Of course, the more the merrier. And if you get to be on the top 5, you will have the chance to have more traffic. So hopefully the blue triangles will turn red. :-) Have fun and congratulations!
Hey Schwag, enjoyed your hub, gave me a giggle and your little girl is gorgeous!
Boy, I must be boring! My best viewed hub is a flan recipe, maybe flan means vagina in another language? You should do a hub on the 10 best vagina songs, you know like, "My Vagina" by the Knack!
Oops, I went to get you the link from YouTube and of course it's "My Sharona"...however, the first fits well also :))
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVdnqEyToqg
BTW I got a really good laugh from your hub!
ripplemaker - Thanks for the heads-up on the nugget business. I was wondering what the hell a hubnugget was. So, as I understand it, it's a sort of people's choice hub, right?
cindyvine - Thanks for the comment and the compliment. My greatest joy is making people laugh. I must agree, my daughter is absolutely breathtaking (thanks).
k@ri -Your name generates a hyperlink. Strange. Anyway, thanks for the comment, it was really funny. From now on my wife are going to refer to vaginas as "her flan". I just checked for vagina songs on YouTube. Wow. There are tons of them. I might do a hub on it.
I don't understand the hyperlink, can you explain? I am glad I gave you a laugh! I laughed out loud when I read your reply! My son wanted to know what I was laughing about, I couldn't answer, but it made me laugh more.
k@ri - What I mean is that when I type the "at" symbol, the computer interprets it as an email address and makes it a hyperlink within the comment. Why couldn't you answer your son? Why not just say, "Mommy's laughing about Schwag's vagina colloquialism joke." He might get a chuckle himself.
This hub has been nominated as this week's HubNugget. For a review of all the nominees, check this out and vote!!
Congratulations Schwag, you deserve it..well done
You are right, he probably would have laughed! Thanks for explaining hyperlink...as long as it's not something bad, I'm good.
Hawkesdream - Thanks! I feel honored
k@ri - He would probably ask about the word "colloquialism," rather than vagina.
True, very true :D
Do you think it would be a good idea to do a weekly nugget review?
Soooooooooooooo, now I know why my hubs have not all gotten a lot of traffic. They have been missing the magic word! Thanks for the heads up! Ha!
Peggy W - No problem. If you liked it, please make sure and vote for it, at the hubnugget hub:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Hubber-Poll-March19-2009-B
Thanks!
I think doing a weekly review is a great idea! I wish I had thought of it, although I doubt if I could write the extremely constructive reviews you have written! I felt like you gave very good feedback, and I've reread a couple trying to see from your view point. I've already identified a couple of mistakes I make by doing this. I really wish you would keep doing it
It's decided, then. Where do I go to find each week's nominees as soon as possible?
Look at you go. Your hub is great. Your comment section makes me jealous. How did you get such a high hub score on this already? Fantasic job! Now do I have your permission to hate you? I'm just kidding!!! I am very jealous of your success. I think its AWESOME! Congrats. Your daughter is too cute.
Thanks, fellow hubber. I can't take all the credit. I'm sure a lot of this hub's success comes from the fact that it was nominated as a hub nugget. Have you voted? Thanks for the comment and the compliment and the hate!! I love it!!
thanx for sharing your view....you are right such kind of topics get really popular.like i have seen some hot (lol) pics of some beautiful actress that hubs get really popular...well anyway that means have to work hard....thanx for sharing your views...thanx
britneydavidson - For a second I thought Jessica Alba read my hub. It's funny what gets traffic around here. If you liked this, you might enjoy my other stuff. Don't forget to become a fan! Are you familiar with the HubNuggets thing? If so, and you haven't voted yet, please vote for me and I'll lower your taxes. If you're not familiar, it's basically a contest between a few of the top hubs. This hub here was nominated. If you dug it, please vote here:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Hubber-Poll-March19-2009-B
Thanks!
This Vagina is like a train everybody want to be on board. It works but I still believe that researching and placing the right keywords in your hubs can get you more traffic slowly but rewarding at a long term.
It was fun to read your hub.
Congratulations
Hector
supercibor - QUE PASA, VIEJO!?!? Aunque es Dominicano, todavia le agradezco el comentario. Just kidding. Thank you for the comment. Obviously I agree with you about the methods for traffic generating. This hub is merely a joke, although a joke that has generated plenty of traffic, itslef. I like the sound of your hub about generating traffic using video for one's site. I'll check it out.
Hey Crackhead
Throwing in a vagina doesn't make you Lenny Bruce!
Psych!
Keep up the good work.
Dad
Thanks, Dad. I wonder if you figured out how to vote.
What's a vagina?
Broadsider - According to the hub titled "The Vagina Diatribe," "the human vagina is the most dynamic body part in all of creation."
I'm going to insert "Fleshlight" into all my hub titles. Then I lean back in my office chair with a cigar in my mouth, laughing heartily at the sight of all those red triangles.
Damn! Why didn't I think of that?! Next time write something about condoms. ;)
I love your writing style. Seems more blod than hubpage but I love the use of your words... Do you write outside of your hubs? I suspect you might from you use of words! So, what I have learned is that I need to rename my pages to "Broccoli is bad for me? Questions and answers about Coumadin and how it affects your vagina.", "Factor V Leiden, not a vaginal disease", "Factor V Leiden and Hypercoagulation, A Cause of Multiple Miscarriages, Clotting, and High Risk Pregnancy- when your vagina might need some help.", Blood Thinners: Anticoagulants, Thrombolytics, and Antiplatelets - drugs that don't affect your sex drive or your vagina.", "Recessions, the Great Depression, and Now (Why We Should All Be Optomistic and not worry so much about our vaginas", Sticky Blood? Questions And Answers About Pulmonary Embolism, Deep Vein Thrombosis, Clotting, and Factor V Leiden information for a healthy body, lungs, and vagina", and "What The Heck Is Thrombophilia? Will it affect my vagina?" I wonder if I should add penis in there... it might add something. Maybe penis is more attention grabbing than vagina. Okay, enough silliness, off to other things....
imadork - Enjoy all that red. What's a fleshlight? OH! I get it. FLESH-light. That's great.
mayhmong - I wouldn't write about condoms. I'm kind of a loose cannon, so I don't believe in too much safety.
Lwelch - Your comment was hilarious. I assume you're some sort of medical professional. Thanks for the comment and the compliment. I highly recommend renaming all your hubs. Then, just sit back and watch all the mini-o's pour in.
The Fleshlight is a male masterbation device.
imadork - OK, now I remember hearing about that thing. My wife has threatened to buy me one for when she gets deployed.
Mighty Mom - That's hilarious. You don't talk like a mom. Are moms allowed to say, "hot vagina?"
If the girls can have their toys, why not us guys?
I just leave it to the search engines.
LOL! Very funny. I especially enjoyed the conniving "Villian" laugh! I am eagerly awaiting more of your "Vagina" Hubs!
imadork - It just seems a little high-tech to me. I'm a man of simple tastes. I don't even use lube. Pest puts me to shame.
Rudra - Thanks for the comment.
dagny roth - Thanks for the comment. There already is one, entitled The Vagina Diatribe. HAve you already read it?
Almost was a meidcal professional but I failed my Occupational Therapy clinicals... oops. So, now I sell cars. Live near Ohio? I'll sell you one. Despite that though I am very comfortable with medical research and after surviving blood clots I have begun to share my knowledge with the world.
Lwelch - Thanks. Well, I'm sure we all appreciate you doing your part. Is Hawaii near Ohio?
Thank you for the good laugh out loud that I really needed at the moment.
I can relate to what you are saying. While looking for vids to put on my hubs, I noticed that the videos at youtube with the highest rankings and traffic were unfortunately the ones that had the most obscenity, go fiqure. Great hub.
Sincerely,
Whikat
Well, Ohio is in the same country as Hawaii.... does that count?
Okay, on a whim I have added "the effect on sex drive" to my Warfarin/coumadin page title. Lets see what happens. I had 8-10 hits a few times a week - other times 1-3. I swear the load speed of hubpages affects google SEO or something... anyways... was time for a funny experiement.
Whikat - Thanks for the comment. It's crazy, but it's so true. Sex sells and there is no argument against it, because we keep proving it true.
Lwelch - Let me know how that goes. We need to identify a "hot list" of words to include in our hub titles. People might abuse the power, though. We'll end up with hubs titled "Hard Drive Upgrade for HOT SEX!!" and "Awesome Cupcake Recipe for NAKED COLLEGE CHICKS!!"
yo p that was a trip, but i dont see the bubbles.wait, do you mean the one im writing in now. Oh snap.I think i got it
oh yeah the only reason I said" what vagina commericals" is because I wanted to act like they did'nt exist. Thanks ass ho. I got to go, lifetime is having a special on the benifits of pads with wings.
post script:your daughter is vary beautiful.
fatty448 - DIRTY!!! What's up, man. You found me. Sweet. I love you, man. I'm just getting established here in HI, and will soon have a little nook where I can draw. If you still need designs, I'll be able to help. So, did you vote, bum? You better.
C'mon who doesnt know what a fleshlight is... geez. Check out my site and you'll find out more than you want to know :)
goldentoad 3 years ago
Looks like you're hooked. They're still in the experimental stages of rehab for this stuff, so my only advice is to try to walk away now, while you're still young.